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fighting shame with vulnerability and God's grace

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Today is the 3rd day of @neda week. Today is also the one year anniversary of when I started a 4 month long treatment for anorexia. I wasn’t sure if I would post anything because I have a lot of mixed feelings on public vulnerability. And if I’m being honest, I crave the attention posts like these get. After all, so much of my ED is about wanting attention. Wanting to be seen. Wanting for someone to validate my pain because I had no idea how to express it with words. It’s a way to gain control when everything is spinning into chaos around you. It’s reliable and predictable and majorly encouraged in the culture we live in. It’s the ultimate way to avoid the depth of feelings seemingly too painful to endure. It makes you feel secure and safe while simultaneously trying to kill you. And it’s veryyyyy hard to break. I’ve had 365 days of trying to rewire my brain and give it the nourishment it needs, while my mind screams in protest. 365 days of feeling allllll the feels, oscillating between commitment and apathy. 365 days of swimming against the current of fad diets and seemingly harmless comments that can be destructive for someone like me. I’ve come a long way from last year and that is 100% due to the grace of Jesus. While this has been (and continues to be) the hardest fought battle in my life, I wouldn’t change this part of my story. This is the grit and struggle and discovery that’s shaped me into who I am today - honest, brave, broken, needy, anxious, loyal, passionate, insecure, alive. There is still far to go. I’ve had big ups and discouraging lows. But no matter what GOD IS GOOD. He has, and always will be, consistent in mercy and love. His power is made perfect in my weakness. My weakness!! How crazy is that?? I would def not have the courage to share this so publicly if it weren’t for the hope I have in Christ. He is what kept me going when I wanted to give up. Friends, I pray God would give us all the courage to speak up in our weakness, and not just on certain weeks or in specific places. This week is wonderful and so so necessary, but how bout we make every week like this one??? ~2nd Corinthians 12:19~

I joked that meg would buy her wedding dress at Sam’s and two years later she called me out in front of her entire crowd, so I guess you could say she won that round... . . Meg, you are going places. And goodness am I grateful to witness your journey. . . Ok love you, proud mom post over ✌🏻

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