It’s been a hot minute since I’ve even thought about sitting down to write. Time moves too quickly, nursing school seems to never let up, and in moments of rest I tend to instinctually grab the remote to watch the most recent episode of This Is Us or a re-run of Parks and Rec for the 10th time (no shame in that one). But I think the real reason I’ve been silent is because I haven’t been able to find the words.
Despite the amount of activity in my life and the excitement of new things and new people, I find myself feeling unsteady. Plus my annoying need to know exactly why I’m feeling a certain way doesn’t help the situation when answers seem far away. I’m much more prone to seek diagnosis rather than discovery.
So here I am sitting in yet another aesthetically appealing coffee shop in East Nashville writing without really knowing what my goal is or what I even want to say. I don’t know, maybe the point isn’t figuring out what to say but instead merely sitting my butt down in a chair and allowing my words to just appear as they wish.
I’m 1/3 of the way to becoming an RN (or 1/6 of the way to an NP) and ahhhhh just writing that has me feeling tachycardic (lol nursing jokes). I have learned more in 4 months than I ever thought imaginable, but the more I learn, the more unsure I feel about actually being able to do this thing. One minute I’m in clinical discovering my patient has a heart murmur and feeling confident in my abilities, and the next minute I’m panicking about the countless things I don’t know.
And life outside school (who knew there was such a thing??) feels even more unsteady. I got slapped in the face with unexpected loss when my miracle-worker of a counselor moved away, and am currently having to build a new relationship while dealing with the grief of not having someone in my life who at one point knew me better than anyone else on this earth. How do you just move on from something like that? Luckily my new counselor is wonderful and challenging and creates space for my countless amount of feelings that usually get about 30 seconds of airtime in my head.
With that deep dive into feelings land comes a lot of really not fun things. As I’ve put in so much work this past year and a half to open myself up to actually talking about vulnerable and hard things, now it seems to be the part of the journey where the REALLY hard stuff is knocking on the door asking to come out. And let me just say that I am NOT here for it. Like really not. Those things have been shoved good and deep down where I never thought I would have to go, and right now I think I would rather have literal surgery than go there.
To shut down the pesky hurt and shame that keeps trying to pop up, I find myself going back to the thing I know best: restriction, self-criticism and distraction. I almost just deleted that sentence because I don’t want to admit that, and I really hate talking about eating disorder stuff. Not sure why, maybe I’m afraid that people will think I’m just asking for attention or pity. Or maybe that they won’t even believe me when I say I’m having a hard time because I “look fine”. I think I’m also afraid of people trying to hold me accountable or seeing me as “that girl”.
As much as I love this little space of the internet where I can write whatever I want, the idea of basically having a public diary free for anyone to read and criticize gives my insecurities a LOT of room to run freely. I could write an entire book on how much I care about what other people think and my fears about how this blog influences people’s perceptions of me. Don’t get me wrong, I love this form of expression and the encouraging feedback I’ve gotten from friends, but that nagging voice of judgement and shame works really hard to invalidate all the warm and good things.
But I’m going to keep writing anyways because at the end of the day it doesn’t really matter who reads this or what they think (preaching to myself right now). If putting pen to paper, or in this case words to screen, is a way to care for myself then so be it. If anything, this blog is damn honest.
My shaky, unsteady, wobbly life is confusing and painful and filled with glory. As much as it sucks, the Lord is challenging me to be present exactly with where I am right now. I was listening to the band Birdtalker the other day and their song “Be Where You Are” shook me with its raw yet simplistic honesty. Listening to their words made me feel known in a way that is rare and beautiful.
Wow those words hit home. And are so SO beautiful. If you need me, I’ll be listening to that on repeat and fighting my feelings every second through.