So I have this thing with lists

If you couldn’t tell by the title, I really like lists. Actually, it’s really making lists that I enjoy. I have a tendency to add things I’ve already done to my calendar just so I can check them off. There’s something about organizing and writing things down that gives me life. Now actually doing the things on the list, yeah that’s an entirely different story. But that’s beside the point.

In all of my spare time these past few months, I’ve made a lot of lists. Lists for shopping, schedules, errands, and things I need to do but never want to do. Lists of books to read and movies to watch and songs to hear. Lists of school schedules and requirements and items to buy. I even have a list of ideas for things to write about on this blog.

But my favorite lists are the ones I arrive at spontaneously, with no rhyme or reason. Sometimes they never leave my head and other times (the best times) they come while journaling or writing. So I was reading back in my journal from last month and found a (very extensive) list I had made of things God has revealed to me about myself this past year. Many contradict each other, but I guess that’s just the way personalities work. Some good, more less than ideal, but all helpful to realize.

So here’s a little glimpse into my head, directly from my journal (in list form of course):

  1. I crave attention and recognition. Yikes.
  2. I’m ridiculously needy. Double yikes.
  3. I don’t like to be told what to do. If I feel like I’m being controlled, I become defiant and skeptical of authority.
  4. My thoughts are fueled by shame.
  5. Once I get comfortable with someone or something, I hold on for dear life. If that’s threatened, I freak out.
  6. Vulnerability and honesty are addictive. Lol who knew? It also gets me attention (see #1).
  7. I am 100 times more patient with others than I am with myself.
  8. I love to subtly show off my intelligence and knowledge (really hate this one).
  9. My competitive nature makes me want to be the “____est”, no matter what it is (smartest, friendliest, sickest, funniest, sportiest, etc).
  10. I actually really love writing if it’s about something I’m invested in (hence my entrance into the blogosphere).
  11. No one actually cares about my achievement as much as I think they do.
  12. I often act from my head and not my heart. I have no idea how to transfer what I know to be true to actually act and behave like it.
  13. I’m not good at sadness. I never let myself feel it so now I have no idea how to handle it.
  14. I can actually connect with many different types of people when I show interest in their heart and I let them see mine.
  15. I care way too much about how I’m perceived. I would rather beat myself up than let other people do it for me.
  16. I’m pretty much always anxious about something.
  17. It’s easier for me to take on other people’s emotions than my own.
  18. I get some sort of weird satisfaction out of my suffering and having other people know I’m in pain, like it gives me some sort of badge of honor.
  19. I really want to be unique and special and different from everyone else.
  20. I’m most myself around a small group of friends, and actually need more alone time than I would like.
  21. I’m super susceptible to cultural messages and trends. I love feeling relevant and “in the know”.
  22. I have a desperate need to be needed by others. I want to be the one friends go to for support, and I love to be with people in their struggles (see #17).
  23. I’m loyal to a fault. I have a really hard time standing up for myself and admitting when I’ve been hurt.
  24. Cussing is v therapeutic in the right setting.
  25. Coffee shops are my happy place.
  26. “Should” is a word I’m very familiar with.
  27. Trust and letting go of control are hard for me. Unpredictability makes me anxious and uncomfortable.
  28. I’m extremely quick to judge, both myself and others, without even realizing I’m doing it.
  29. Things being dirty or unorganized really stress me out (thanks Mom).
  30. I’m a perfectionist *cue eye-roll*.
  31. I have a really hard time delegating. I would rather just do it all myself (aka why I could never be an HOD major because group projects are the absolute worst).
  32. I would rather fit in than speak my mind if it’s an unpopular opinion. Really working on that one (esp. because of #19).
  33. I like things to be clear and logical and understandable. I want tangible and practical tools to solve a problem, and ambiguity makes me super anxious. 
  34. I love adventure, spontaneity and being weird and awkward with my friends.
  35. I need people to call me out on my BS and tell it like it is.
  36. I love when people are sassy with me and I can be sassy back. It makes me feel connected.
  37. I hate making a fool of myself and avoid it at all costs.
  38. I have a fierce determination to achieve and succeed, and place a heavy amount of pressure on myself to do so.
  39. I’m relatively observant and can usually notice when something/someone is off.
  40. Reading is the ultimate coping mechanism. Oh and coloring. 
  41. I cannot stand the cold. It brings out my moodiness and propensity to complain.  
  42. I have a tendency to feel like a burden.
  43. I actually enjoy wearing cute clothes as long as they’re comfy. My high school self would be shocked, considering my uniform was an overly large t-shirt and nike shorts.
  44. Asking for help is really hard for me, and for some reason I expect others to know what I need without asking.
  45. I have a pretty addictive personality.
  46. There are an endless amount of little things I do to avoid feeling overly anxious.
  47. I’m really bad at accepting compliments, but I love getting them anyways.
  48. I like to paint myself as a devout believer who has it all together, and hide that I have doubts and confusion and uncertainty, even to myself.
  49. Being overly busy really stresses me out.
  50. Honestly really surprised I got to 50 considering how little I knew about myself for the first 21 years of my life.

Wow congrats! You actually made it through that entire list. Props. Honestly I got bored after like #12 so pat yourself on the back. Just imagine me reaching through the screen and giving you a gold star.

And if you’re bored at work or tired of watching 7 straight episodes of Queer Eye or you’ve found yourself stalking the Instagram of your best friend’s older brother’s girlfriend, then maybe jot down your own list. I promise it’s not that bad.

 

 

4 Comments

  1. LOL – Instagram stalking! I really love lists and love this idea. Gonna do it. I’ve learned more about myself this year from recovery than ever before, too. I remember years ago my best friend explaining to me all the things she enjoys and why… and I was thinking “I have no clue how to describe what I like let alone WHY.” It was amazing to me. Self discovery is so freeing and exciting, even though it’s often uncomfortable! I also like how you mentioned working on things. I think self discovery allows us to turn to the Lord who can help us to better ourselves. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Reading this was so incredibly powerful, Mags. It is so so cool and inspiring to see you reflect and know yourself in new ways, but even cooler to see you sharing the things you are learning about yourself with others. I love you and am thankful to call you friend!

    Liked by 1 person

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