Yep, you’ve got that right people. I started a blog. Trust me, it’s just as much of a surprise to myself as it is to any of you. As a self-proclaimed “bad writer” and vulnerability novice, the concept of recording my thoughts, and then actually sharing them with the world, TERRIFIES me. Even the process of deciding to start a blog shook me to my core with fear. It went a little something like this:
“A blog? Really? What are people going to think? Do you really want the world to know how utterly screwed up you are? What if no one reads it? What if people hate it? What if you tell the truth and people turn away?”
and then it went on…
“No one cares what you have to say. Nothing you say will be original anyways. Everyone has a blog now, you’ll just be another voice in the midst of thousands. You always hated writing, what do you think you’re doing? This is a horrible idea. You should definitely not do this.”
and then it shifted a bit..
“Ok, maybe you can write some things down but you should definitely not share everything. Anyways, you can’t even be completely truthful with yourself, so how will this be any different? People can’t handle your unedited, 100% honest self. That will just be too much. No one will want to be your friend if you do that.”
That’s just maybe 30 seconds of a glimpse into my mind. Shaming thought after shaming thought, it never ends. As I become more aware of my thoughts and how I speak to myself, it all boils down to shame. For me, shame is a security blanket, protecting me from having to feel all of the other gross emotions like fear and sadness and anger. In a really twisted way, shame is my ultimate form of protection. And after 22 years of practice, I’m an expert.
But I’m getting really tired of it. Tired of letting it control my actions and priorities. Tired of how it continually sets the bar for perfection higher and higher, never letting me rest. Tired of how it makes me talk negatively about myself, my body, and my relationships with others. Tired of always feeling like I’m not enough.
Brené Brown, in her book Daring Greatly (go read this right now), explains the insidious nature of shame and its power over our lives.
“Shame derives its power from being unspeakable. That’s why it loves perfectionists–it’s so easy to keep us quiet. If we cultivate enough awareness about shame to name it and speak to it, we’ve basically cut it off at the knees. Shame hates having words wrapped around it. If we speak shame, it begins to wither. Just the way exposure to light was deadly for the gremlins, language and story bring light to shame and destroy it.”
I don’t think anyone could put it better. Shame is incredibly suffocating and debilitating, that is until we talk about it. Just look at the brave warriors of the “Me Too” movement from this past year. Talk about some badass shame fighters.
So, if you couldn’t guess from the title, my goal for this blog is to speak shame and tell the truth, in hopes that my inner shame voice might just get a little quieter. While I would love for my words to help others, I’m totally ok if it’s only read by friends or that random user from China who viewed my page before anything was on it (lol hey). I want this space to be a place of self-discovery, healing, faith, doubts, insecurities, fears and everything in between.
Lets do this.